Victim blaming. Victim blaming is really, really scary. It makes me scared.I've had friends and family recently say "It's not like that, nobody blames anyone for getting raped." Sure, if it's your sister, your friend, your wife, you're not going to blame her (him or her) for being assaulted. And I would sincerely doubt that most people would say things like "It was her own fault. She shouldn't have gotten herself raped." But that doesn't mean they don't do any victim blaming at all.
Take this scenario. A young woman has just finished studying at her university library. She had a really long paper to write that, yes, she had procrastinated somewhat, but she's worked hard and at 4 a.m., she finally finished. She would have written it in her room, but she shares a bedroom with someone who has to get up early and didn't want to be a nuisance. She leaves the library, completely exhausted, and glad that she'll be able to get three and a half hours of sleep before class in the morning, instead of none at all. Walking home alone through campus, she keeps her phone in her hand, just in case she needs to call someone. She gets three blocks from home when a drunk man starts following her towards her door. He picks up speed, and she doesn't have time to punch a code into her stupid smartphone, so she runs like hell towards home. She doesn't make it home fast enough, though, he caught her. Headline reads "Woman Assaulted on College Campus, Walking Alone at 4.a.m." or something similar.
Even if you have the whole story. Even if you know that she wasn't being reckless, she was writing a paper, some part of your mind says, "Well that's what happens when you walk home alone at four in the morning." We distance ourselves from it. It's easier to go through our day assuming that the only way to get raped is by parading around an alley in a short skirt after the bars close, and so we know that it will NEVER happen to us. Now, no one has ever raped me. But I was followed home from the library after writing a paper, by a man much larger, drunker, and faster than I was. Without thinking, I went to my apartment building instead of taking off at a run and going an extra block to the 24/hr convenience store and asking the clerk to call the police. If someone hadn't left the door slightly ajar, I probably wouldn't have made it inside. The door locks automatically, thank goodness, so I left my would-be attacker on the street and went inside, a complete mess. I didn't even call the police, but I should have. That night, my roommates and I made an emergency plan for walking alone. Obviously, it's not safe to walk alone at night at Northeastern. That's why Northeastern offers a police escort service, where they'll either walk with you or drop you off at home. Ladies, look into this on your campus.
That being said. If he had grabbed me. If, heaven forbid, he had raped me that night, NOT ONE of the things I did that night would make it my fault. Not. One. And please note that I said "if he had raped me" not "If I'd been raped". There's an important distinction. One of the people in a rape is the subject of that sentence, and one is the object. When we talk about rape, it should be in those terms. The rapist is the subject (hopefully, also, of an investigation) and the victim is the object. It was done TO him or her, not with and not because of. They are the ones being objectified.
Think about the way you talk about rape. It's a horrible topic, and I admit it's making me a little uneasy to type the word out like that. But the way our society treats rape, the way we verbalize it, the way we sensationalize it, the way we romanticize it--it's all a symptom of some scary larger issues. The way women are thought of. The way accountability is falling apart. Kids don't fail tests, teachers miss teaching opportunities. The way we blame victims for things that happen to them, so that we don't have to deal with how unsafe it is out there for a young woman. The way we sweep things under the rug. Men who are accused of rape in the college setting often graduate just fine--longer blog post on that later.
And let's go to the obvious problem here. How crappy are we, as a society, and as people, that after someone has been RAPED, we BLAME them? How can our only response not be "I am so sorry that was done to you, it is unfair and horrible, and if you need anything at all, let me know." How come our response instead is "Well what were you wearing, were you drinking? Weren't you flirting with him? I hope you don't want your health insurance or *gasp* taxpayer money to pay for an abortion because your rapist impregnated you. If you want emergency contraception, you should probably let us inspect your genitals. You really haven't been through enough today."
If your sister was raped. Or your daughter. Or your wife. Or your best friend. Would you ask them if they deserved it?
Every victim is someone's daughter. And every single one is a VICTIM. The object of the sentence.
For Boston area residents, the Boston Rape Crisis Center:
http://www.barcc.org/
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